Sunday, April 6, 2014


As we begin, I would like to state my view on the whole "biblical movie" issue that has enveloped Noah, over the past few months. Prepare to possibly have your fears and expectations blown out of the water. 1) Movies are 100% man-made stories. They are written by men. They are directed by men. They are acted out by men. Men, men, men! 2) The Bible is the inspired Word of the God of everything under the sun! Now, let me ask you a question... Which of the two descriptions above do you expect would be a little more "biblical"? Honestly, come on, people! I am a God-fearing, dedicated Christ-follower, who reads his Bible, goes to church, prays, and tries to live his life according to God's will. Do you really think that I am going to take the time out of my day to argue the biblical inaccuracies of a MOVIE about Noah?!? NO!!! Because it's a MOVIE!!! A movie that features Russell Crowe (Gladiator), Emma Watson (The Bling Ring), and Anthony Hopkins (The Silence of the Lambs). I don't know about you, but I don't see any of them becoming the next Billy Graham (not a judgment of their personal character). In fact, if Billy Graham ever made a movie about Noah, there would likely be some inaccuracies! Because, you see, no matter the amount of money or CGI, it's hard to recreate a story that was originally written by Almighty God...

Also, I expected the movie be pretty freakin awesome...

I must say that Noah baffled me a bit. While I wasn't offended or shocked by the way the story was approached, I do believe I would have enjoyed the film a lot more had it relied more on the traditional story and steered clear of the fantasy elements. In my opinion, a flood that wipes out almost all of humanity is dramatic enough that there is really no need for magic fire-rocks and angel-rock-monster-people. To me, there was just a bit too much excess. I may sound like I'm on repeat, but the story of Noah is so over-the-top, in the first place. Additionally, the biblical portrayal of Noah is so cool. Why would you want to unnecessarily complicate that great story? Again, I'm not arguing that I wished it was biblical for the sake of being biblical. I just think it would have made for a better story. It just didn't have that "coolness" that I expected from the trailer. Instead, I felt like I was watching Clash of Waters. On top of that, Noah was changed from a man of endearing faith to a man who couldn't overcome his human nature, which isn't the moral of the story (at least not from my perspective). I just don't know...

This cast was quite star-studded. To go along with the aforementioned Crowe, Watson, and Hopkins, Noah also featured Jennifer Connelly, Ray Winstone, and Logan Lerman. As expected with such a great cast, the acting was spot-on, which was quite refreshing. However, I didn't enjoy all of the characters, particularly Noah, who ate up the most screen time.

Darren Aronofsky's portrayal of the character of Noah was really what sent the film down the wrong path, in my opinion. Crowe's performance was great, but I just couldn't stand the character. I can't go into too many details here, without giving the plot away, so I will stop. Nevertheless, I was not impressed with this version of the Noah character.

Jennifer Connelly was undoubtedly the hottest B.C. character to ever pass in front of these 22 year old eyes. She out-hotted Emma Watson in this one, which is quite a feat! On top of that, her performance was great! Without her awesome performance, the film would have been about 10 times more unbearable. Also, I enjoyed the humor that Anthony Hopkins' Methuselah brought to the table. Of course, I didn't enjoy his magic powers or whatever, but at least I got to laugh about his coveted berries.

Thankfully, Noah was much more bearable than Evan Almighty, and Jennifer Connelly was spot-on (and smoking hot). Unfortunately, that's where the positives stopped for me. I know I've talked about a number of issues above, but let me give you the key to my disappointment... You ready?... You Sure?... Alright... The key to my disappointment is... THE TRAILER! If Noah hadn't been sold as this portrayal of a nice man of faith who was willing to take abuse from his axe-carrying neighbors, then maybe that's not what I would have been expecting! If I had just seen one rock-monster in the trailer, I might have gone into the film with completely different expectations. Did I expect total biblical accuracy?... No. However, I didn't expect rock-monsters... at all! At the same time, I do not think this film deserves a universal opinion, because I can see why some people might like it. I just wish that I would have liked it. Maybe my warning will help mold different expectations for any readers who have yet to see the film. I give Noah 2.36 out of 5 stars.


  1. Nice review, Tanner. I did enjoy this one, though I came out unsure entirely as to how I feel about it, if that makes sense. I can totally understand the bafflement at a lot of the more fantastic elements at play here (the first time the rock monsters showed up left me scratching my head, like, wait, huh?!). And yeah, Noah really did become quite a hard character to like, though in a way, that's also what sorta made him somewhat fascinating to watch. It's an odd film, where I really can't fault anyone feeling either positively or negatively about it, 'cause I can totally understand either way.

    But Conelly out-hotting Emma Watson? Impossible! (LOL! Though she was looking pretty nice. ;) )

    1. Don't worry... My Emma Watson poster is still hanging in my room. She just looked a little nappy this go-round ha.

      I'm glad you enjoyed it! I've been scratching my head for a week or so now. I may need to give it another try once it hits the Redbox.

  2. Nice review Tanner. There's a good, solid hour here of pure tension, excitement and emotion, but after that goes, it starts to get a bit too strange with what it's trying to say and where it ends up going.