Tuesday, March 11, 2014

The Seat to the Right

I apologize for the lack of actual movie reviews that I have done since January, but there really hasn't been much to watch in the theater. Thankfully, I was able to skip out on the Valentine's induced chick flicks in February! However, things will be heating up next weekend, with both Divergent and Muppets Most Wanted due out. During my review-less down time, I have been working on a few special lists and fun posts, the first of which you are about to experience...

How many of you have ever been in the same theater with someone who should be expelled from movie-watching until the end of time on account of their in-theater actions?
Unfortunately, it does not take much at all to frustrate me at the movies. Stupid people being stupid is probably the least fortunate experience to have to witness! Now, there are special instances where I expect people to behave inappropriately at the theater, such as midnight premieres, Friday nights, Saturday nights, and, of course, child-filled animated films. However, as a huge believer in matinee pricing, I see no reason for people (grown ups, in particular) to behave in the way that they do on a Saturday afternoon. Below, I've highlighted a few types of people who have driven me to in-theater insanity, because they just didn't quite understand that they were at the movies to watch a movie, rather than sitting in their living room at their own pleasure. I hope you enjoy...

The Texter
We were all high schoolers at some point, and we will all be bored parents at some point as well. However, we will never have an excuse for texting after the lights go dim at the movies! These texters should be forced to sit on the top row of the theater. Actually, they should just designate the top three rows of the theater to the folks who want to sit up there and not pay attention. Now, I'm not saying that you can't ever check your phone, but it should not be seen for more than 10 seconds at ANY point during a movie!

The Dramatic Screamer
Sometimes, regardless of the film you choose to watch, there will be a moment or two that makes the audience jump. Why do filmmakers enjoy making the audience jump?... I really don't know. But I really don't care, because, regardless, there is no need for people to start screaming for attention! It is absolutely insane how people feel the need to draw attention away from the screen. I've even seen folks scream out in the middle of animated films, distracting me and their own three year old child.

The Overly-Attached Comic Book Lover
If you've seen The Dark Knight Rises, you know that there are two scenes in which Michael Caine's Alfred brings great emotion to the big screen. Sure, amidst the excitement of the midnight premiere, I found each scene extremely touching and saddening, but the guy sitting next to me was balling his freakin eyes out! It was sooooo hilarious! His girlfriend was trying to console him, but she just didn't have the magic touch. He needed Batman to rise from the ashes and tip his head at a reminiscent Alfred, healing the world of all wrong... It was a bit much, I think.

The Bad Child
My conservative attitudes may come out a bit much in this one, but I don't understand how some children can be so dern bad! As a child, I know I showed my butt a few times in public. However, it was never a huge issue for me, which is not the case for some kids. You may ask, "Well, Tanner, how do you KNOW that the child isn't just having a rough moment?"... To that I would say, "Trust me... you can tell!" If you are a parent who refuses to reprimand your misbehaving child, please leave that child at home!

The Bad Parent (of The Bad Child)
Regardless of my previous suggestion, some parents of bad children will still bring their children to the movie theater. Now, personally, I love watching animated or children's films with a theater full of small children, because it really helps to bring the film to life. If a child misbehaves in that giant room with 100 kids, I am totally understanding. However, I do have a problem with going to watch a big people movie, like Batman or The Hangover or Don Jon, and having to avoid being distracted by a kid who won't sit still, won't stop screaming, won't stop kicking the seat, etc... None of the blame for this misbehavior should fall on the child. This blame falls on the parent(s) of the child, who thought it was a good idea for their 6 year old to watch Don Jon. It's just sad...

The Overly Zealous Laugher
There is no doubt that comedic films are more enjoyable at the theater, mostly because everyone gets to laugh together. Unfortunately, in some cases, people like to have their laugh noticed, whether they are enjoying the movie or not. It is ridiculous when people (usually women) think that everyone needs to know just how funny they think a particular moment or two or twelve turned out to be. Come on, people!

The People Who Sit Right in Front of You So That You Can't Prop Your Feet Up Even Tough There Are Hundreds of Empty Seats
I tend to arrive at the theater at least 15 minutes ahead of the time that the movie starts. An early arrival gives me plenty of time to use the restroom (I have a small bladder) and pick the perfect seat. Let's face it, there is no point in paying to go to the theater, if you are going to be stuck back in the top corner or down in the front with a broken neck. Because I arrive early and usually attend matinees (gotta save that money!), my theater is very rarely full, which gives latecomers plenty of seating options. But, regardless of the number of seats, often times, people feel the need to sit right in front of me! Honestly, I don't mind having people sit next to me or in front of me, if the theater is full. Actually, that is my ideal viewing experience. However, if there are dozens of seats available, please allow me the opportunity to prop my feet up on the seat in front of me! It's all I ask (aside from everything else on this list).

The Snorer (My Father)
At age 11, me and my loving father went to the $1 movie to watch Like Mike, which is a fantastic film from my childhood. Thirty minutes into the movie, I look over to my father and see him with his head cocked back, snoring away. As any good son would do, I jabbed him in the side to wake him up, leading to a distracting argument between the two of us about whether or not he was asleep. Although, at that moment, it was not a pleasant experience, this memory is now one of the best movie memories that I have. The unfortunate part is the fact that each and every time we have been to the movie since then, I have also had to jab him in the side, because my father is best chair sleeper that you will ever meet...

The 50 Year Old Woman Who Wants To Talk To Her Friend Throughout The Entire Film Because She Thinks She is 16
I don't care what movie I'm watching, Gravity or The Hangover, people need to keep their freaking mouths shut during the movie! I have no problem with a brief comment, here or there, but there is NO REASON WHATSOEVER for continuous discussion. As I was writing this, I realized that older women are the world's worst about talking during a movie (aside from teenagers on Friday night). I don't get it, people! You are supposed to be grown up! Get it together!

Well, that's all I have, folks! If there is a particular category of annoying people that you notice I left off the list, leave a comment below. Here's to hoping that, in the future, you are able to avoid those listed above!


  1. Awesome post, Tanner, and definitely agreed on pretty much all accounts! I've had particularly bad experience with talkers and texters, including one movie where, in an empty theater, an old couple decided to sit DIRECTLY BEHIND ME and proceed to talk throughout the movie, as if no one with directly in front of them. As for the texter, they chose to sit DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF ME, with their screen in clear plain view distracting me, before her boyfriend made them move somewhere behind me after I complained to them about it, heh.

    But yeah, good stuff, and as you've probably noticed, I've been a bit out of the blogging loop myself as of late, though I do have a new review ready to post later this week, so there is that! XD

    1. Thanks, man! It is hard to avoid the texters these days, and old couples do seem to be the worst with the talking.

      Can't wait to read your new post... Congrats on your new book!